The girl is sitting there,
Unrushed, unworried,
The waves crashing ever closer.
The families of four begin to leave,
Children tired from hours
In the sweet, clear water.
The sun is setting,
Reflecting,
Glistening a brilliant fire
Against the cooling sea.
Soon, the girl is nearly alone,
Only a few old dog walkers remain,
Barely shadows flickering on the shore.
This is when she finally steps in,
One foot, then the other,
Back to the first again
The day recedes to night,
Mimicking the pulling tide.
Solar night,
To lunar light,
The moon glow gently caressing
The white sand dunes.
The girl is now reduced
To a pinprick in the fury,
Dwindling further, stepping farther,
By each and every second.
The cliff faces smile,
Watching all too eagerly,
Their raw beauty now half bittersweet.
Brown hair is visible,
A tiny bobbing buoy,
Before it vanishes beyond sight.
All is quiet
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
It has my username in it!!!
Ahem.
Anyway, this is pretty good. Some parts are a bit apathetic, and kind of confusing, but I mostly catch the drift of what you mean. It's kind of eerie... but not the kind where it sends those chills down your back. It's just on the borderline of deep, One step away but one step too far, you know what I mean.
Keep working. I can see the potential in your writing, just practice practice practice.
Holly
Thanks for the critiques!
Hello! I would just like to say that you have my old avvie, it was a little weird seeing you use it =P
But, anyway, on with the critque. I liked this poem, but you could have used more imagry to describe what was happening. It was very narrative, a little too much even if it was posted in Narrative Poetry. Their was too much telling and not enough actual SHOWING. I know most people only use that expression for prose but I think it relates.
I do really like that line, especially "their raw beauty now half bittersweet" I can almost see the cliffs faces, bittersweet and rocky.
Overall I liked it, it was well-written but there's something missing. I can't wait to see what you write next
FYI: Changed the title again, because I was looking in poetry and found like, six other poems called "dusk" so maybe that wasn't the best choice.
Okay I changed the title, because Horizon was just something of a working title. I also added a word to the cliff part to say what I mean.
Hey, I liked your poem. Very well written, and may I say somewhat creepy. You really have no clue what's happening. It really makes you think. But, I can't possibly just say nice stuff about your piece can I? I have to critique it. So, on to the hard part.
I really mean hard part. I felt you did a really good job because I really couldn't find anything wrong with it, well, not too much wrong with it.
"Back to the first again"-Okay, this was a bit confusing and I really don't get what it means. Are you saying she moves the first foot again or that she's going back to where she came from?
"The cliff faces smile, All too eagerly, " -Once again, I really have no clue what you were saying. At first I thought you meant that she was walking off a cliff. I can sort of infer that she's walking into a body of water surrounded by cliffs but I had to think about it for awhile.
That's about the only problems I see. Sorry if I didn't find them all but, who cares?
-Kyle
Hmm... I thought this was good, though it could be better. This actually seemed more Narrative than Dramatic. I just thought it told more of a story, rather than expressing feeling. Sunsets are nice, but I didn't catch that in your poem.
Maybe paint a picture of what's going on, rather than telling us what's happening. You get a better outcome from your readers by "wow"ing us with visuals. ^_^
Best wishes!
~*Sydney*~